A Brother To Remember

Despite the stressfulness of college life, I wondered how I still have time to even browse Facebook for like, once a month. The website used to be popular in early 2012 to the late 2014. Homeworks piling up next to my bed (table was used for laptop), clothes waiting to be handwashed, and sheets of papers being in the middle of it all just shows how I desperately need help at housekeeping, or at least, room-keeping, I guess?

But enough of my daily lives.

Do you have any family members that have gone so far away and made you miss them so much?

As I told before, I was browsing the Facebook, and while I was searching for an old neighbour of mine, I found something that I’ve always forgotten all these years.

My brother.

Just as soon as I saw his name being displayed on the screen, lots of bittersweet memories with him came back to me. I gave a good thought about it, and then it just occured to me that I missed him so much, despite the fact that we never even got close to each other. His name was Razali, and Mom said it meant her happiness, or to be happy.

In an attempt to memorize everything regarding him again, I opened up his Facebook profile and browsed through all the pictures and statuses he ever uploaded and written on the website. Well, just as what a typical person would upload, family pictures, friends, pictures of himself (not selfies, his last upload was in 2011, you know), and all sorts of typical stuff. But this is what made me reminds of him, and I definitely want to remember him, since he is the one of the two brothers I ever had, and the closest person enough I ever knew as a brother.

Of course, being siblings, there were times when we would misunderstand or even fought with each other, and usually I would lost in the argument, considering he’s 10 years older than me, mind you. At times, he would also took things seriously and would scold me if I ever did anything wrong. I remembered there was this one time, where I was playing video games, with me, being at 10, having only learned how to use swear words from my friends at school (was 10, ok). While I was playing, my player character in the video game died, and as a result, I spitted out one of those swear words so hard my brother heard it. He started to flick his fingers on my right ear, and at first, I thought he was just playing dumb with me, till it get to the point where the flicking started to hurt really bad and my brother scolded me for swearing in front of him. I cried so hard that I ran out of the room to my Mom, only for my brother to tell her what happened. Luckily, my Mom understood and didn’t get angry at me for using swear words. Remembering it all again made me laughed so hard just to realise how stupid I was back then.

And then, there were some of those sweeter memories too. Back around 2008-2010, my brother got enrolled in a university, so it was a mandatory for him to get a laptop for his assignments and projects. Every semester break, he would return home with the laptop, and the first time I saw it, I knew it was something interesting. During his break, I would spend alot of times with the laptop, playing classic video games such as Counter Strike, Need For Speed, or even Plants VS Zombies. That was also where my brother introduced me to Facebook, and he also created my first email from it. He also introduced me to what I literally dedicated 2/3 of my life to. Defense of the Ancients, otherwise known as Dota. It wasn’t as big as it is today, but I was so interested in playing it I literally scrapped off those Miniclip games and Counter Strike. I started to play it exclusively every time he returns home for his semester break, and I would be bored as hell when he had to go back to the university. Even my online username while playing Dota, which is Kerry, was derived from my brother’s nickname during his middle school years, which was Herry. Till this day, Dota is one of the games I played almost everyday and night intensely, and it was thanks to my brother that I got to know what would be considered as one of the best online games of all time. I also remembered him buying me the first phone I ever had back in 2010, since that was my kickstarter to get into technology and stuff. That was a Sony Ericsson, and I couldn’t be more thankful to him on that day for buying me the phone. It lasted until 2014, and it was one of the many items that still reminds me of him to this day. That phone was not the only thing he bought, as well. A PS2 console was another thing he bought me that same year, and boy, did it changed me for the rest of my life. I played the PS2 so hard and intense, I could literally fell asleep in classes, and the habit sticked with me for as long as I can remember. I guess that’s where my sleeping-in-class habit came from. But still, that is what made me today, and I did not regret it one bit.

You know how I asked earlier that if you had any family members that have gone so far away that you missed them?

Well, in the case of the living, of course they can still be contacted and met, right?

But he’s not.

My brother’s already long gone.

That was back in 2011, where he was about to go back to the university, albeit that time around, he was going back on a motorbike. There was this really sharp turn on the road about an hour away from our home, and since he was riding it too fast, his motorbike slipped into the other lane and almost crashed with a huge trailer coming from the opposite. Even though he managed to avoid it, the impact was too much for him, and he only survived for an hour at the accident site. As the ambulance came, he was brought to the nearest hospital, and on that fateful Thursday evening, my brother peacefully passed away.

I couldn’t swallow it.

It was so painful.

Now I remembered why did I always forgot about my late brother.

Now I remembered why did I used 15th of June as a fake birth date to tell my friends.

Because the memory of losing him was painful enough to bring me to tears.

Because that was his birthday.

Mom was so hurt by it, that everytime she remembered him, she cried so much that I’d let her be alone and won’t approach her for the day.

I guess Mom always remembers him, instead of me who’d always try to forget him.

But I can’t.

Because he will always be my brother.

I wonder what would he say if he were to see what I’ve become today?

I’m sure he would be disappointed.

I’ve always been an embarassment to his friends.

I’ve always been a disappointment to his expectations.

And now, he’s gone. Far, far away in the afterlife.

Even though we were brothers, we never even got close to each other. Yet, you had always treated me as a sibling. I had always thought you hated me back then, and for that reason, I never even try to talk with you.
But I was wrong.

I was stupid.

Last time I didn’t get the chance to say sorry properly for my stupidity, so I can only do it in here, and I hope this will make me remember you forever.

Forgive me, brother.

In Memory of Razali Zainal Abidin, Died on 5th of May 2011, Aged 23. Rest In Peace.

Gave Up

Hi there.

Have you ever gave up on something you’re good at?

Or at least you THINK you’re good at it?

Because I just did.

I just gave up on my English, despite my love for it. Despite what most people said about my English. Despite my English accent being American even though I’m not one.

I’m done with English.

Why?

Because I was never good at it.

Because I was never great at talking with people.

Because I have never been able to produce good ideas for my writing.

Because I can’t teach others even though they thought I was good at it.

Because I only disappoint others with it.

Proof?

Never got an A+ on every English test in middle school.

Joined an oratory contest and fucking it up real hard by only standing in front of the audience without opening my mouth.

Failed to write good essays because I can’t think of any main ideas.

Friend asked for help regarding English grammars, still had to look up Google to remember it again.

And last but not least,

Making people have high expectations of you only to have you perform poorly and disappoint them in the end.

Teachers, friends, parents, brothers.

Was it even worth it?

What’s the use of living if I don’t even have anything I’m good at?

Goodbye English.